Is your dad getting older, quieter, maybe seeming a bit lost after decades of working hard for the family? You want to help, but feel stuck, maybe even a bit suffocated seeing him withdrawn? You’re not alone; many Singaporeans grapple with supporting their aging parents’ well-being.
The Silent Struggle
Many Singaporean dads from the older generation poured everything into their work and providing for the family. Retirement or slowing down can leave a void. They might become withdrawn, quiet, and seem uninterested in activities beyond the routine. It’s a common sight: the stoic father figure now spending most days at home, seemingly without hobbies or social connections. As one Redditor observed about their own father, he’s a “quiet and depressed old man who worked all his life for the family.” This dedication was essential, but sometimes it meant personal interests and friendships faded away over the years, leaving them isolated later in life.
- Common pattern of older men focusing solely on work.
“People of that generation usually focus everything on work and anything else is just unnecessary”
- Tendency towards isolation in later years.
- Difficulty adapting after a lifetime of providing.
Why Helping is Hard
Trying to help can feel complicated. You might feel frustrated or helpless seeing your dad struggle, yet your efforts might be met with resistance. Depression itself makes it incredibly hard to find motivation, even for things one might enjoy. As someone shared, “As a depressed person, all i wanna do is just stay in bed all day because i don’t have the will to go out… Know that ur dad isn’t doing this because he wants to.” Furthermore, some dads might genuinely prefer solitude, or view suggested hobbies as frivolous. Pushing too hard can backfire, making finding the right balance difficult.
- Child’s feeling of helplessness or frustration.
“But I felt suffocated just by looking at how he managed his own problems all by himself and keeping everything to himself.”
- Father’s potential resistance due to depression or personality.
“Maybe he likes being alone. Why forced u version of happiness on him.”
- Generational view on hobbies vs. work.
Small Steps, Big Impact
The key is often gentle persistence and presence, not pressure. Start small. Be his friend first. Invite him for simple outings like makan or a walk, just wanting his company. Suggest activities at the local Community Club (CC) – maybe a cooking class or something low-key – and offer to go with him initially. Sometimes, a small responsibility, like caring for a pet or plants, can provide purpose. Reconnecting him with siblings or old friends might also help. Remember, it’s about opening doors gently, not forcing him through them.
- Be present and offer companionship without pressure.
“Sometimes the best we can do is offer consistent presence without pressure. Invite him into small things, even if he says no.”
- Suggest activities gently, like CC classes or walks.
“Coax him to go out and take walks with u, just say u want some company or something. Then if he’s enjoying it, during the walk bring up registering for clubs or class or something.”
- Consider small responsibilities like pets or plants.
“Maybe you can also find something for your father to do eg taking care of your plants, some pets or maybe tell him to cook for you daily. Basically something for him to do so that he knows he is ‘still useful'”
- Involve other relatives or old friends.
- Respect his boundaries if he declines.
